rantings from the front lines of social services

conversation #46

2005-05-23T11:20:00.000-05:00

How to make sure you never have to talk with the religiously preoccupied again:

Me: Can you tell me why you keep going back to using drugs?
Client: It's Satan. Do you know the Price of Darkness?
Me: Well, it's not like we're on a first-name basis...

laying the smack down

2005-05-18T12:30:00.000-05:00

It's because of sessions like these that I'm getting a reputation around here:

Client: I'd love to be in treatment here, but I don't think it will fit into my schedule.
Me: You're homeless and unemployed, right?
Client: Yeah.
Me: So what do you have to do that's better than coming here?
Client: You know... I got business to take care of.
Me: In other words, you're too busy out on the streets getting high. You spend so much of your day trying to find faster ways to kill yourself, you just don't have the time to come here and get well.
Client: But...
Me: I completely understand. You have business to take care of. You have to get out there and poison yourself and your mind.
(brief pause)
Me: Well, you better get back to it. You better get out there and cop. Go make your mamma proud.
Client: My mamma?
Me: Is she still alive?
Client: Yeah... but what does she have to do...
Me: When she's collapsed on the floor at your funeral, when she kicks her feet and pounds her hands on the ground screaming about her baby, after you die of an overdose, she'll be glad that you took care of so much business.
Client: Wait just a minute...
Me: (standing up) I'm going to leave you alone for a couple of minutes to think about it. Then, we'll take another look at your schedule.

conversation #65

2005-05-11T10:47:00.000-05:00

I'm doing an individual session with a client.

Me: You have to find a way of coping with stress that works for you.
Client:I know what works for me. Crack works for me.
Me:Really? You've been using crack for 10 years, and you live in a refrigerator box. It doesn't seem like it's working for you.
Client:You might be right. How about heroin, then?

you can't argue with logic

2005-05-03T11:51:00.000-05:00

A client in group was confronted today, about his substance abuse. His reply is classic:

"My way might be crazy, but it's how I've always done it."

clients supporting each other

2005-04-27T14:35:00.000-05:00

From a recent group session. Client A is sobbing, and has been for the past 10 minutes.

Client A:I mean... I just can't seem to get it right, you know? And it's not like I don't have advantages. It's not like I haven't been places... I've lived all over the world. I lived in London, and Georgia, and Montreal, and Hawaii... I've been all over the world--
Client B:(singing) But I've never been... to me...

conversation #103

2005-04-26T10:34:00.000-05:00

Client: I've been feeling really anxious lately.
Counselor: Why is that?
Client: Probably because the guy I cop now is the same guy who shot me a couple of years ago.
Counselor: You're buying drugs from a man who shot you?
Client: Yeah.
Counselor: (looks stunned) Why are you buying drugs from a guy who shot you?
Client: Because he has them.
Counselor: I really like steak, but if the waiter at my favorite steakhouse shot me, I wouldn't go back.
Client: You'd probably miss out on some really good meat, then.

who are the "allens" and why are they "out of spice?"

2005-04-22T14:10:00.000-05:00

We have a new client in the agency, a middle-aged man who claims that he started using heroin 15 years ago, shortly after he was abducted by aliens. I had this conversation with one of the other counselors:

Me: Bryan says that he was abducted when he was 29.
Other Counselor: Really.
Me: Yup.
Other Counselor: (begining to laugh) Did they steal anything from him, or just probe him?
Me: They took his dignity.

the joys of convicts

2005-04-14T12:02:00.000-05:00

We have one smart-ass client in our agency right now. Which is annoying, because the client is SO DAMN FUNNY that I can't keep a straight face in group. For example:

Ex-con: I just couldn't get paroled because the prison psychologist kept giving me bad reviews.
Smart-ass: What'd you say to her: "Can we make this quick? I've got some tunneling to do."
Ex-Con: That's not funny
Smart-ass: "Just don't ask me to take a drug test."
Ex-Con: Seriously. Stop it.
Smart-ass: "You got a perty mouth."
Me: OK, Smart-ass, we need to be respectful* of each other.

*Do you know hard it is to say this when you are laughing so hard on the inside your eyes are welling up with tears?

decisions...

2005-04-05T10:24:00.000-05:00

I heard the other day that one of my clients purchased a car from another of my former clients--it turns out that this deal was brokered by this agency's consulting psychiatrist.

This is highly unethical; he could lose his license for this.

So what am I to do?

long-overdue update

2005-03-31T11:57:00.000-06:00

I haven't entered anything here in a long time, because I had some personal issues to deal with. Not because of a lack of crazy stories. As an apology, I give you the following true story.

We got a new client in late February. This woman (call her "Judy") had the habit of dying her hair--ALL of her hair--neon cartoon colors. She would have red hair one day, blue the next, green the day after. She also died her eyebrows and pubic hair. When she first arrived she had orange hair. Do you know how freaky it is to talk to someone with orange eyebrows? Anyway, she would ask staff and other clients, "Do you want to see my orange critter?" If they answered, "Yes," she would drop her pants.

We did get her to stop this behavior, by threatening that we would no longer let her have Kool-Aid packets (which is what she used to color her hair). So she stopped. But one day in the TV lounge a fight broke out between Judy and another client.

Apparently, the clients were watching re-runs of the old TV show "Angel." One of the main character turns into a blue-haired monster of some kind in one of the episodes. (See a picture here.) One of the clients, after the show was over, confronted Judy, trying to exorcise her demon, despite the fact that Judy has no resemblence to the woman in the TV show whatsoever, except for the blue hair. (This is the second time that one client has tried to exorcise another. How bizarre.)

Anyway, it evolved into a full-on fight. Judy and the other client were both escorted off our property and to the Happy Hospital by police.

How was your month?

valentine's day

2005-02-14T13:36:00.000-06:00

One of our clients had a Valentine that her boyfriend sent her. She showed it off in group today. It was obviously home-made--the front had a drawing of a rose and a knife, and looked like it was modeled after a tattoo, which it probably was. The inside, which the client read to the group, said this:

I loved you in your frills,
and I loved you in your lace.
But most of all I loved you
when you sat on my face.

Next time I see you,
I'll buy your ass a rose...
and we'll have a good time
when you cum out of your pantyhose.

Ain't love grand?

just another day

2005-02-08T11:52:00.000-06:00

We have a new client here at the agency. Let's call her "Ann."

Ann is a little unusual. She seems to have the mentality of an 8 year old. She arrived here with a stuffed rabbit and a cowboy hat. Everything seemed to be moving along just fine--even though she's a little slow, she's nice to everyone and committed to the program.

I found a note on my desk this morning. Apparently, Ann had locked herself in her room by jamming a chair under the doorknob. The night shift heard loud noises coming from her room, and so they went to investigate.

"After forcing in the door [!], we found Ann naked except for her hat, straddling the chair backwards, with a cafeteria spoon in her vagina [!!], rocking back and forth, and pulling the ears of her stuffed rabbit and grunting. The grunting and the chair legs hitting the floor were the causes of the noises we had heard. She did not stop until forcably stopped by staff, at which time she became frightened. She hid under her blanket and shouted for all of us to go away."

The note goes on to suggest that I "follow-up" with Ann in an individual session.

I don't get paid enough.

lunch

2005-02-02T13:12:00.000-06:00

Every day the client's bitch about the food. Except for one client. Today that client had a discussion with another client:

"The food here is a crime. I can't believe they expect us to eat this," one client said.
"Yeah. Where were you living before you came here?" the other client asked.
"On the street," the 1st client responded.
"So the food was better on the street that it is in here?" the 2nd client asked.
"Well, not really..." the 1st began.
"Then shut the fuck up," the 2nd said.

irony

2005-01-31T13:19:00.000-06:00

One of the clients had a T-shirt that said this:

"We, the willing,
led by the unknowing,
are doing the impossible for the ungrateful.
We have done so much
with so little
for so long,
we are now qualified
to do anything
with nothing."

Isn't that ironic?

manipulative much?

2005-01-24T09:59:00.000-06:00

Whenever one of our clients reports suicidal ideation or intention (in other words, they say they're going to kill themselves) we have to do an individual session with them, and fill out a bunch of paperwork. This is a CYA liability thing, but it's annoying as hell.

Sometimes, the clients pick up on the fact that they can get special attention if they make a credible claim of suicide. We have one such client now.

"I just don't know what to do," she says to the group.
"That is something that you're going to need to think about," I say, trying to wrap up the session so I can go home. "We're at the end of the hour. Let's talk more about this tomorrow," I say.
"I just... I'mgoingtokillmyself," she blurts out in an instant--she knows the magic words.
And just like that, I'm stuck at the agency for another hour, filling out papers and talking to this woman, who no more wants to kill herself than I do.

education

2005-01-20T10:05:00.000-06:00

I know that most, if not all, of my clients are severely under-educated. But sometimes the things they say dumbfound me. Today, a client referred to someone as an "anti-positive influence" in her life. Of course, being the good echoing counselor that I am, I had to talk about "anti-positive" influences for the rest of the damn session.

no news is good news

2005-01-13T09:51:00.000-06:00

This morning, while I was drving to work, I heard a story about a house fire that killed 3 people. The fire was intentionally set by a woman who was angry at her boyfriend/crack dealer.

I wonder if people in other types of work listen to the news, hear a story about a recent violent crime, and then pray quietly, "God, please don't let that be one of mine."

secrets

2005-01-11T09:48:00.000-06:00

One thing that constantly amazes me is that the clients here seem to think that the staff don't communicate with one another. They will say one thing to one staff, and another thing to another staff, and be suprised when one of us points out that they have been inconsistent.

The most recent example:

"I never broke no laws," he told me in group.

Later, another counselor says to me: "Did ******* tell you he just got out of prison?"
"No, I respond."
"Yeah," she continues. "He did 10 years for a bank robbery."

resolutions

2005-01-07T08:21:00.000-06:00

We're talking about New Year's Resolutions in group.

"Who has a resolution they'd like to share?" I ask.
"I do," says one client. "I want to lose some weight."
This client is an ex-crack-using prostitute. This means that she's about 100 lbs, max.
"How much weight would you like to lose?" I ask.
"What? Why are you talking to me? I didn't say nothin' about losing weight. You crazy?" she responds.

Indeed. I'm the crazy one.

new year, but same old clients

2005-01-04T09:03:00.000-06:00

I'm discharging planning with a client.

"Where are you going to live after you leave here?" I ask.
"I found an apartment," she says.
"How much is the rent?" I ask. (This is a standard question--you'll see why.)
"$550 a month," she says.
"It says here [indicating her file] that you get only $564 a month from your disability check," I point out.
"Yup. It's a good thing I found that place, because I couldn't afford much more than that!" she says, proudly.

Back to "Life Skills Class" with you, my dear.

conversation #97

2004-12-22T16:01:00.000-06:00

"Can I have a candy cane?" a client asks, gesturing to the dish of candy on my desk.
"Sure," I say. "Help yourself."
"Jesus, you addiction people are always telling us us we have to help ourselves, and do things for ourselves, and take responsibility for ourselves! All I wanted was a damn candy cane!" And she stomps out of my office.

Merry Christmas!

inappropriate much?

2004-12-20T14:40:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow is the first day of winter, so we're talking about winter memories in group.

"What are you favorite winter memories?" I ask. "Something that you think of this time of year that makes you think of a pleasant time in your life?"

"I have one..." a client volunteers. "I remember when I was a little kid and we had a big snow storm and my grandfather took us to play outside. He dove face first into a snow drift. It was really, really funny, watching him flop around in the snow. We joined him, all of us laughing and rolling in the snow. But then, well, he didn't get up. It turned out he was having a stroke. And he died later that day."

Oh, for the Love of Christ, I thought.

new client

2004-12-17T16:59:00.000-06:00

We have a new client. We won't have her for long, because she is (and I think this is the technical term) Bat-shit Crazy.

Judge for yourself:

"You know that I didn't always have hair! Neither did you! You know how all hair stylists are gay? Well, that's because we didn't always have hair. No! The gays made us have hair so they could cut it! It's a conspiracy! The gays and the hair!"

How do I keep a straight face during assessments?

drama drama drama

2004-12-14T09:38:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, the clients fight.

That happened today, in the rec room. These two clients have never gotten along. But today it reached a boiling point.

One client threw the Bible (I'm not kidding--he found it in the rec room) at the other client, and yelled, "Demon! You a Demon! Take some Holy Word of God! Holy Jesus help us exorcise this Demon!"

The other client looked around for something to retaliate with, and grabbed... (get ready for it) The Book of Mormon, which has been sitting on the bookshelf in our rec room for years. (Again, I'm not making this up.) He hurled The Book of Mormon at the first client, and yelled, "If I'm a demon, then this is straight from hell right back at you!"

Ahh.... you can't make this shit up. And maybe you wouldn't even want to.

the cutter

2004-12-08T11:08:00.000-06:00

One of the women here has been cutting herself.

This is not unusual, sadly. Cutting is more common that most people believe. And people who cut usually aren't trying to kill themselves--they just kind of get off on the pleasure of cutting themselves.

Anyway, her doctor noticed the new cuts on her stomach, and brought it to the attention of our staff. Now she has to be watched 24-hours a day.

Personally, I think that's a little extreme. Cutting isn't as harmful, as say, smoking, but we let the client's smoke between groups. I think she should be counceled on her desire to cut, but not watched like some sort of a freak.

Just my two cents.