conversation #46
How to make sure you never have to talk with the religiously preoccupied again:


Me: Can you tell me why you keep going back to using drugs?
Client: It's Satan. Do you know the Price of Darkness?
Me: Well, it's not like we're on a first-name basis...
- posted by not_jane_addams @ 11:20 AM

 
laying the smack down
It's because of sessions like these that I'm getting a reputation around here:

Client: I'd love to be in treatment here, but I don't think it will fit into my schedule.
Me: You're homeless and unemployed, right?
Client: Yeah.
Me: So what do you have to do that's better than coming here?
Client: You know... I got business to take care of.
Me: In other words, you're too busy out on the streets getting high. You spend so much of your day trying to find faster ways to kill yourself, you just don't have the time to come here and get well.
Client: But...
Me: I completely understand. You have business to take care of. You have to get out there and poison yourself and your mind.
(brief pause)
Me: Well, you better get back to it. You better get out there and cop. Go make your mamma proud.
Client: My mamma?
Me: Is she still alive?
Client: Yeah... but what does she have to do...
Me: When she's collapsed on the floor at your funeral, when she kicks her feet and pounds her hands on the ground screaming about her baby, after you die of an overdose, she'll be glad that you took care of so much business.
Client: Wait just a minute...
Me: (standing up) I'm going to leave you alone for a couple of minutes to think about it. Then, we'll take another look at your schedule.
- posted by not_jane_addams @ 12:30 PM

 
conversation #65
I'm doing an individual session with a client.

Me: You have to find a way of coping with stress that works for you.
Client:I know what works for me. Crack works for me.
Me:Really? You've been using crack for 10 years, and you live in a refrigerator box. It doesn't seem like it's working for you.
Client:You might be right. How about heroin, then?
- posted by not_jane_addams @ 10:47 AM

 
you can't argue with logic
A client in group was confronted today, about his substance abuse. His reply is classic:

"My way might be crazy, but it's how I've always done it."
- posted by not_jane_addams @ 11:51 AM

 
clients supporting each other
From a recent group session. Client A is sobbing, and has been for the past 10 minutes.

Client A:I mean... I just can't seem to get it right, you know? And it's not like I don't have advantages. It's not like I haven't been places... I've lived all over the world. I lived in London, and Georgia, and Montreal, and Hawaii... I've been all over the world--
Client B:(singing) But I've never been... to me...
- posted by not_jane_addams @ 2:35 PM

 
conversation #103
Client: I've been feeling really anxious lately.
Counselor: Why is that?
Client: Probably because the guy I cop now is the same guy who shot me a couple of years ago.
Counselor: You're buying drugs from a man who shot you?
Client: Yeah.
Counselor: (looks stunned) Why are you buying drugs from a guy who shot you?
Client: Because he has them.
Counselor: I really like steak, but if the waiter at my favorite steakhouse shot me, I wouldn't go back.
Client: You'd probably miss out on some really good meat, then.
- posted by not_jane_addams @ 10:34 AM

 
who are the "allens" and why are they "out of spice?"
We have a new client in the agency, a middle-aged man who claims that he started using heroin 15 years ago, shortly after he was abducted by aliens. I had this conversation with one of the other counselors:

Me: Bryan says that he was abducted when he was 29.
Other Counselor: Really.
Me: Yup.
Other Counselor: (begining to laugh) Did they steal anything from him, or just probe him?
Me: They took his dignity.
- posted by not_jane_addams @ 2:10 PM